Archive for the ‘Writing’ Category

The Sight of Solitude – Part I

Tuesday, July 27th, 2010


I awake with a searing pain in my eyes. Without a background in chemistry or any medical knowledge whatsoever, I imagine that this is what it’s like to bathe ones eyeballs in a dilute solution of something rather acidic.

Sun cream?

A few weeks of being outdoors in the elements had left my skin a little worse for wear and last night, in a moment of Ran Fiennes meets Estee Lauder, I moisturised my skin with the only thing available: Factor 50 sun cream. Perhaps it had got into my eyes.

To be honest, I didn’t really care what caused it. They were still burning and opening them was a bit like taking your hand out of the freezer to stick it in the oven – different but still not altogether pleasant.

The morning before we’d got up in the cold darkness of a Bolivian winter to enjoy another oat and Brazil Nut surprise on the stoves before trudging up the valley across the rocks. It was the team’s third big day of climbing having knocked off two or three first British ascents between us in the past few weeks. First ascents, that is, by virtue of our quiet location within the Quimsa-Cruz rather than our expert climbing abiliities (or, at least, mine). The Quimsa-Cruz is one of four “cordillera” mountain ranges in Bolivia. Located some 80km south east of La Paz, the Bolivian capital, it was still a good five hours drive to get to. It’s the smallest of the four ranges and, with no peaks over 6,000-metres, it’s also the least visited. So, our victories beneath a British flag were easily won since no other UK expeditions had ventured into the area.

But still, it was pretty cool.

Extracting my upper torso from the sleeping bag, I held my finger tips trembling anxiously an inch from my eyes. Touching them was out of the question but ignoring the pain also didn’t seem quite right and thus I settled for hovering my digits uselessly in front of my face. I fumbled for my Nalgene bottle and tried various permutations on the theme of washing out the “acid”. I’m not sure it helped much but now my top was a bit soggy.

Day light had expanded slowly into the crisp air that previous morning, imperceptibly warming the core and rendering our torches impotent without our realising. Crampons were fitted and knots were tied without a word being spoken. Two pairs moved together across the ice on a connection of nylon strands, the teeth on our feet biting into the iced cake beneath us with each rhythmic step. My mind shifted easily to the memory of that peak on the other side of the glacier that we had straddled earlier in the trip.

Despite having worked in and on expeditions for some time now, and having been based inside the Royal Geographical Society for two years, I’m still not entirely sure if there’s any kind of official list of “who climbed what and when”. To the best of my knowledge, each of those peaks we climbed were the first time they had seen British feet. I’m not a big one for first/fastest/longest/toughest in my expeditions. In part because I’m not that good at anything but also because it’s just not what it’s about for me.

I enjoy adventures for the thrill of trying to something new, the buzz of finding out what something you don’t know anything about is really like, testing your mind as well as your body. For me, at least, that does not require doing anything extreme or ground breaking. And, presented recently with the opportunity to break a World Record, I’m still not sure it’s what I want to do.

That said, I got a real kick out of standing on a summit that had barely been visited before. I’m staring now at a photograph of one such summit that sits framed on my desk. A hypnotherapist friend once asked me to go the most calming, tranquil place place in my head and that’s what I came up with – that photo, that summit. I definitely got a kick from the remoteness. And I got an even bigger kick when my teammate, JC, returned from climbing a small peak deliberately on his own so as to claim all the glory of what he thought would be a first ascent only to discover a large shovel buried on the summit.

 

(This article was originally written for Wide World Mag)

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A Different Epiphany

Monday, July 12th, 2010

These things happen like an avalanche. A sense of foreboding. The tiniest of movements. And before you know it, the world is in freefall.

I set off this morning on a low. Emails were typed without feeling. Conversations were held without engagement. I went out on my bike with a familiar urgency to just BE at my destination, not travelling to it, yet without the slightest shred of motivation to get me there.

My mind wandered through dark streets and the first rock fell.

I’d replaced the tyre on my bike last night in a sports super store where the assistant, whom I knew from a years back, leant me the tools and pump to do so. I took the inner tube off the shelf, switched it over and thought about walking out without paying. No one would have noticed and the money would mean so much more to me than this international chain.

Two pounds and ninety five pence.

I paid up and pretended I hadn’t thought about anything else.

With each revolution this morning my front wheel jerked against the pavement where a bulge in the tyre stuck out. I’m not sure if I had damaged the tyre by cycling it flat to the shop last night or just hadn’t put the new tube in properly. Or maybe it was just the ugly welt of Karma.

And the rocks gathered speed, picking up accomplices as they tumbled.

I lacked impetus for work that morning because I had no idea what to work on. There are plenty of projects that need attention but why? Any fool can fill their days working on a hobby but what’s the point if it doesn’t help me or anyone else? How can I justify my time, my existence if I’m flitting away my days on meaningless ambitions? How can I eat other people’s food, sleep under their rooves, use their precious time if I have no plan of my own?

My bike shook the familiar shake of a tyre without air. It rattled my heart to the bottom of my stomach and giant boulders down the mountainside.

On a dual carriageway, eight miles from home, no pump, no repair kit and no train station or money for a ticket, I rang a friend but was too proud to ask for help. No, not pride. Just sick of relying on other people without justification. I put my helmet in my rucksack and began running.

It’s me that’s in freefall now, amidst rocks the size of houses. They tumble around me, knocking me this way and that. I feel helpless. And I feel pathetic for thinking I feel helpless. I lack the energy to run but can’t see another way, my mind now lost in a maze of unlit passageways.

My phone rings.

“I’m coming to pick you up. Where are you?”

The boulders crash into the floor and for a moment the air is a haze of dust. But quickly it settles and silence follows. The all too familiar feeling of the calm after the storm.

What was all the fuss about?

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How can they riot?

Sunday, June 6th, 2010

There’s a protest
She said
And I asked her what for
Justice?
Peace?
Same as before?

Um, no
She replied
A smile turned to frown
Not in this place
Not in this town

One side wrong
One side right
It’s ever so easy
When there’s black
And there’s white

How can they riot?
How can they hate?
Why do they shout
Instead of debate?

Stupid question
She said
Why march the same day?
I nodded
I agreed
Though I felt the same way

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When again will I eat houmous at midnight?

Saturday, May 22nd, 2010

When next shall I find myself lying in a ditch beneath a sheet of camouflage nylon inside a sleeping bag strewn at the most obscure of angles to find comfort whilst tending a pot of luke warm cous cous as it heats slowly above the purr of a stove?

How long until I once more find myself staggering into a noisy pub on a Friday night, clip-clopping my way to the bar in cycling shoes, head-to-toe in shiny, sweaty, grubby lycra, my face red from exertion, my mind vacant from exhaustion, asking could I please get my water bottle filled up?

In what time and place will the success of my day be measured upon so simple a scale as hours and miles, and my performance be reviewed so instantly, explicitly and without compromise by an LCD display just inches from my face?

When again will I eat houmous at midnight, with fists full of bread and watery plum tomatoes, and wash it all down with block after block of dark chocolate, milk chocolate, cheap chocolate, any chocolate, not because I want to but because I know I should if I want to get up tomorrow and do it all again.

What else could make me eat 6,000 calories, drink 2 gallons and sleep 10 hours in a day only to wake up tired, hungry and thirsty the next?

Wherever should it be that the end of my day be dictated so harshly by the lowering of the sun and weakening of muscles, the pre-requisite for doing so be simply whether or not I am carrying enough water and the location of my bed be controlled only by the lay of the land in my immediate vicinity?

What set of circumstances will cause my brain to dwell at such length on the consistency of food stuffs unattainable at present, of a bed, a sofa, of anything on which to lay my aching body, a shower in which to cleanse it and the shelter in which it will be protected from the elements and kept in happy stasis?

How, I don’t know.

And where, I don’t care.

But when, I hope, soon

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Bigger, Stronger, Faster

Friday, May 7th, 2010

My forearms rest over the handlebars and my head is down. My body rocks from side to side and my legs keep turning over. I look ahead at the rising road and subdue a smile with gritted teeth.

In the pub last night, the guys propping up the bar all had the same response when they heard where I was heading: Puffed cheeks, shaking heads and a wry smile. Apparently there was a big hill ahead of me in the morning. I looked at the grid lines of my map which continued across the page oblivious to contours. Sixty five miles or so to Preston where a bed and friendly face awaited. Could I do that in a day?

Tomorrow I will be bigger.

Pulling out of the farmer’s field, I turn left and an elderly man stops his car on the other side of the road. He looks me up and down, stares coldly into my eyes and raises a thumb. I’m off.

The road sweeps round the side of rising hills into the mist with a feel of no man’s land and I press down on the pedals without relenting to the gradient. I summit, don another layer for the descent and stuff some chocolate. Coming down the far side I hit 25mph and swerve across the road as I glance at the speedo to confirm as such. My highest gear is seeing unprecedented levels of use this morning as my torso bobs up and down, making the most of gravity to aid the turning of cogs. There is a slight pressure in my head from the exertion and my eyes continually water but my body does not seem to be fading. I press on.

Cars honk their support and passersby wave.

“Keep it up!”, cries a woman flying past me downhill in the opposite direction.

“Hey!”, shouts another, caught off guard but enthusiastic nonetheless.

“Hey”, I offer in response but I’m not looking at him. I’m staring dead ahead.

They’re not cheering because I’m working hard. They’re not willing me to make the distance, maintain the speed, rise to the challenge. They’re cheering because I’m riding a bright yellow rickshaw that clearly weighs a ton and is festooned with banners and a flag. The sentiment is appreciated but today I am fuelled by thoughts of progress and that rare and blissful sense that your body is capable of whatever your mind can put it to.

Today I am stronger.

A fly crawls across the map I have wedged under bungee cords on the front seat. Lazily it walks across the page making a mockery of my efforts, ignorant to my dilemma and oblivious to the heat of my gaze. I maneuver my right wheel around a pot hole and when I look back it’s gone.

Ahead of me, a sign indicates toilets at the next junction but assessing the distance as I sail round the roundabout, I determine it to be a waste of precious seconds, vital yards, and continue to the nearest roadside bush. Before getting back into the saddle I open my food bag and moments later find myself 1,300 calories heavier. I pedal furiously back into traffic and sink another litre from my water bottle.

I am setting no records here. The speeds I’m achieving are laughable. I can’t even catch the granny on a mobility scooter before she turns off to post her letters and every other cyclist on the road passes me with ease. But that is irrelevant. This is about me. I have contrived a sense of challenge and I am relishing it. My body is responding perfectly to the stimulus and it feels good.

I check the speedo as I have done every 30-seconds throughout the day. The impact of each ascent and descent on my average speed obviously lessens as the day goes on but it doesn’t stop me monitoring every minute change.

8.72mph. 25% up on yesterday.

Today I am faster.

I know I’m on the home straight but I’m out of gas. Before my mind makes the decision, my body steers me into a bus stop and I sprawl myself over the front seat and bury my head, almost literally, in a giant bag of Doritos. I don’t have the energy even to maintain a facial expression and the crumbs of tortilla chips spill all over my top as I crunch lazily, staring into nothingness. I mount once more and follow the directions I’ve been given, my glucose-deprived world narrowed to the width of a single lane.

I often find social situations awkward and greetings are some of the worst. When do you shake hands? When do you hug and kiss cheeks, and when do you just stand two yards apart and say “Alright?”. Waiting in the driveway out the front of his house with the garage door propped open, Steve makes the decision easy by spreading his arms out wide and I’m not ashamed to say I fell straight into them.

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